I Want My Husband To Discipline Me

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This edition of Ask Amanda is written by Lisa Fontes, a domestic violence expert with a Ph.D. in psychology

I Want My Husband To Discipline Me

Q: My husband is trying to hit our children. My parents beat me growing up, but now I don’t trust children. There have already been many conflicts in our home. I don’t want them to be scared. If I don’t hit them, he will. That I have to do? – Pressure to hit children.

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The research on corporal punishment is now clear: hitting children hurts them. Children who are spanked are more likely to overreact: they are learning that it is okay to hit others. Corporal punishment can also damage parent-child relationships and damage children’s mental health. Adults who were physically punished as children may abuse their own children or partners, perpetuating the cycle of intergenerational violence. Punishment scares children, and the hormones released by their fear can damage their bodies, with long-term consequences such as high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes, and more heart problems. Threatening and fighting with the children can subdue them in the moment, but it’s best for them and their husband to stop fighting with them. Without physical strength, you need to find other ways to set clear, loving boundaries.

As someone who often works with families, I can tell you that abused children don’t trust their parents when they have to make difficult decisions about sex, alcohol, or teenage shopping. For example, seventy studies found that five percent of physical abuse incidents began as corporal punishment. For example, if a child falls, it is very easy for parents to accidentally hurt the child.

Children in homes with a lot of conflict or domestic violence are more likely to experience trauma than others. Children’s brains are only affected by trauma. The fear of one or both parents is too much, on top of everything else they are going through. (This is why, in the United States, foster parents are not allowed to spank foster children; those children are already traumatized.)

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This gets us into trouble. You only care about what’s best for your children, so you decide to stop fighting with them. This is the right decision. Your husband is trying to hit you and you know he is wrong. If he continues to pressure you, perhaps threatening to hit him harder if you don’t, then this is a form of emotional abuse.

You are in a critical and difficult moment. Will you protect your children even if it means ending your marriage? Many people who have endured years of abuse take steps to leave to protect their children. Others stay behind and may face legal charges for failing to protect their children. Worse yet, some stay, or lose custody of their children, or watch their children suffer for years. Some children grow up blaming parents for not protecting themselves.

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If you think there is a chance to change the way your husband hits, you can definitely give it a try. Does she know a member of the clergy, a teacher, a pediatrician, or an anti-beating family member that she can talk to? But if you deliver your children to war, which is a form of abuse, then you must act to protect them while avoiding putting yourself in harm’s way.

Talk to a local domestic violence attorney. and create a safety plan for your children. A safe house is a house with a “no knock” rule. That means no one hits anyone: adults don’t hit adults, adults don’t hit children, and children don’t hit each other. A home full of love and peace does not include war.

Ask Amanda aims to provide helpful resources and information on domestic violence. If you are in a crisis, get in touch

I Am Struggling To Look After My Child In My Husband’s House

Looking for someone to talk to? Sign in to find phone numbers for domestic violence experts in your area. ‘Technology has been a great challenge for my partner and me. This is an important area where we compete, but we differ in the way we raise children. “My partner hits the kids from time to time and I just don’t agree.”

I am a mother of four, 3 boys and a girl. The oldest is 12 years old and the youngest is 5 years old. I always wanted to be a mother. I had a difficult childhood and I want to do well, but I feel like I can’t do my best and that really bothers me.

Technology has been a serious challenge for my partner and me. This is an important area where we compete, but we differ in the way we raise children.

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My partner hits the children from time to time and I don’t agree. We also argue about how much time the kids can spend playing games, and my relationship with my son has suffered as a result. My partner thinks there’s nothing wrong with kids playing all day on weekends and says I’m exaggerating.

When my oldest son asked me to stop playing, he started telling me to “calm down.” He heard his father tell me the same thing. I have tried to present your challenges as a family, but no one can do it. I really need help.

Thanks for the correspondence from him, I really hear the situation from him. You are not alone. There are so many families struggling with the same issues. It’s easy to think of our family as the only solution to a certain problem, but technology has altered much of our lives.

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The first thing I recommend is working on how you talk to yourself about the mother you want to be. It sounds like you’re having a hard time growing up in your own family.

Often when we have a negative experience in our formative years, it can trigger us in two main ways, first, what we know and what we know, and second, and I think because of what happened there, we increase the incompetence that we have. grew up with. , we strive to improve on what we experienced as children because we put ourselves under unbearable pressure to be perfect parents.

Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all hopeful and giving our best. So maybe giving yourself space to do things right, and sometimes do things wrong, is an important first step. It’s amazing how much you want something better than your children. But, be realistic and give yourself a break.

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Discordant parents can damage a child’s sense of self. Children crave clear information and it hurts them when the information gets mixed up. I think the most important thing is to have a calm conversation with your partner. Discuss, without judgment, your concerns about children’s play habits.

It seems that you do not have a technology policy as a family. As children enter their teens, the sooner you bring this into the home, the more controlled the storms of adolescence will be.

Remember, we all bring our family to our parents. Consider your partner and how they were trained. It seems their childhoods weren’t that conflicted, which might explain their views on parenting. Understanding each other’s positions and not assuming that one is intentionally ignoring the other’s point of view is a healthy starting point for a conversation.

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Be clear about what you want to say and avoid blaming or judging in the conversation. If we blame, the conversation ends because the other party becomes defensive, nothing is heard, and no decision can be made.

So ask yourself, how will things continue? What kind of conversation is needed to change this? When you talk to your partner, really listen to what they have to say, don’t assume anything.

You said that your partner sometimes hits the children, which doesn’t sit well with you. So it is not. Again, ask your partner why they think this is necessary. I also explain that spanking doesn’t teach a child anything that isn’t worth learning.

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When we spank a child in response to negative behavior, we are only teaching that child not to do it in front of us. so they don’t learn

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