East Angels is a Webnovel created by Constance Fenimore Woolson.
This lightnovel is currently completed.
“If it is true! And why shouldn’t it be true?–do you think it impossible for anybody to stop caring for you? _I_ have stopped, and very completely. I care no more for you now than I do for that twig.”
And she tossed it away with a little gesture of disdain.
Winthrop’s eyes followed the motion. But he did not speak.
“_Still_ don’t you believe it?” she asked, in surprise; “you look as though you didn’t. I think that rude.”
“On the contrary, it seems to me that my being slow to believe it, Garda, is the best honor I can pay you.”
“Oh, how could I ever have liked you!–how disagreeable you can be when you try!” Tears shone in her eyes. “Everybody in the world seems to tell lies but me,” she went on, hotly. “And everybody else seems to prefer it. You yourself would like it a great deal better, and think it nicer in me, if I should tell lies now, pretend that this was the beginning of a change instead of the end, make it more gradual. Whereas I tell you simply the truth; and then you are angry.”
“I am not angry.”
“You are ever so much surprised, then, and that’s worse. I call it almost insulting for you to be so much surprised by what seems to me perfectly natural. Have you never heard of people’s changing? That is what has happened to me–I have changed. And I tell you the truth about it, just as I told you the truth when it was different–when I cared for you. For I did care for you once, ever so much; didn’t you believe it?
Didn’t you _know_ that I cared for you that night on the barren?”
A red rose in Winthrop’s cheeks. After a moment he answered, humbly enough, “Yes, I thought you did.”
“Of course you thought I did. And why? Because I _did_; that night, and for some time afterwards, I adored you, Evert. But I don’t see why you should color up about it; wasn’t it natural that I should be delighted to be engaged to you when I adored you? and isn’t it just as natural that I should wish to break it off when I don’t? You can’t want me to _pretend_ to care for you when it’s all over?”
“No, no,” said Winthrop, his eyes turning from her.
“I do believe you are embarra.s.sed,” said Garda, reverting to her usual good temper again. Then she broke into smiles. “You ought to thank me, for, really, you never cared for me at all.” She leaned back against her tree again, and folded her arms. “I dare you to tell me that you ever really cared for me, even when I cared so much for you,” she continued, in smiling challenge. “What you would answer if you spoke the truth (as I do), would be–‘I did my duty, Garda.’ As though I wanted duty! You ought to fall down on your knees in the sand this moment and thank me for releasing you; for you are much too honorable ever to have released yourself, you are the soul of honor. Just supposing we had been married–that we were married now–where should we be? I should have got over caring for you, probably (you see I have got over it without being married), and you never did really care for me at all; I think we’ve had a lucky escape.”
“Perhaps we have,” Winthrop answered.
“No ‘perhaps,’ it’s a certainty. And yet,” she went on, slowly, looking at him with musing eyes, “it might have had a different termination. For I adored you, and you could perhaps have kept it along if you had tried.
But you never did try, the only thing you tried to do was to ‘mould’
me; you made me read things, or, if you didn’t, you wanted to; you have treated me always as if I were a child. You have had an idea of me from the first (I don’t know where you got it) that wasn’t like me, what I really am, in the very least. And you never found out your mistake because you never took the trouble to study me, myself; you only studied your Idea. Your Idea was lovely, of course,” pursued the girl, laughing; “so much the worse for me, I suppose, that I am not like her. Your Idea would have been willing to be moulded; and she would have read everything you suggested; and then in due course of time–_when she should be at least eighteen_”–interpolated the girl, with another burst of laughter, “she would have gratefully thanked you for admitting her to the privileges of being ‘grown up.’ Why–you didn’t even want me to care for you as much as I did, because your Idea wouldn’t have cared so much for anybody, of course, ‘when she was only sixteen.'”
Winthrop flushed fiercely, as her mocking eyes met his, full of mirth.
Then he controlled himself, and stopped where he was; he did not answer her.
“You are the best man in the world,” said Garda, coming towards him and abandoning her raillery. “With your views (though I think them all wrong, you know), you could say the most dreadful things to me; yet you won’t, because–because I’m a woman. You engaged yourself to me in the first place because you thought I cared for you (I did, then); and now, when I tease you because you have made the mistake of not understanding me–of having, that is, a higher idea of me than I deserve–you don’t answer back and tell me that, or anything else that would be true and horrid. That’s very good of you. I _wish_ I could have gone on caring for you! But I don’t, I can’t; isn’t it a pity?” She spoke with perfect sincerity.
Winthrop burst into a laugh.
“Don’t laugh in that way,” Garda went on; “I a.s.sure you I know perfectly that–that the person I care for now isn’t what you are in many ways.
But if I do care for him (as I cared for you once–you know what that was) shouldn’t I be true to it and say so?”
“The–the person?” said Winthrop, looking at her inquiringly, a new expression coming into his face.
“Yes, Lucian, of course.”
“Lucian!”
“Oh, very well, if you take _that_ tone! And after I have said, too, that I knew he wasn’t as–that he wasn’t like you. It seems to me that I have been very honest.”
“Very,” replied Winthrop. Then his voice changed, it grew at once more serious and more gentle. “I hardly know, Garda, how to take what you say, I don’t think you know what you are saying. You stand there and tell me that you care so much for Lucian Spenser–a married man–“
“He isn’t married now,” said Garda.
Winthrop gave her a look which made her rush towards him. “I didn’t mean it–that is, I didn’t mean that I was thinking about Rosalie’s death; I wasn’t thinking about that at all, I have never thought about Rosalie.
Very likely I shall not see Lucian for ever and ever so long, and very likely he won’t care for me when I do. He has never given the least sign that he cared–don’t think that.” And, clasping her hands round his wrist, she looked up in his face in earnest appeal. “Nothing has ever been said between us–not one word; it is only how _I_ have felt.”
“Whom are you defending now?” asked Winthrop, as coldly as a man may when a girl so beautiful is clinging to him pleadingly.
“Lucian,” responded Garda, promptly.
The mention of his name seemed to give her thoughts a new direction; disengaging herself, she came round to stand in front of her companion in order to have a good position while she told her story. “Don’t you remember that I began caring for Lucian first of all? you must remember that? Then I got over it. Next I cared for you. Then, when he came back, I began to care for him again–you have no idea how delightful he is!”
she said, breaking off for a moment, and giving him a frank smile.
“Well, I should have told you all about it long ago, only Margaret wouldn’t let me; she has made me promise her twice, and faithfully, not to tell you. You see, Margaret thinks you care for me; therefore it would hurt you to know it. I have told her over and over again that you don’t care at all, and that I don’t care any longer for you. But it doesn’t make any difference, she can’t understand it; she thinks that if I cared once, it must last still; because that is the kind that Margaret is herself; if _she_ cared, it _would_ last. So she can’t believe that I have really changed, she thinks (isn’t it funny?) that I am mistaken about myself, that I don’t know my own mind. And then, too, to change from you to Lucian–_that_ she could never understand in a thousand years.”
Winthrop had had his hands deep in the pockets of his morning-coat during this history. He stood looking steadily down, perhaps to keep her from seeing his expression.
But she divined it. “You needn’t have such a stern face, I am sure everybody’s very good to _you_. Here I’ve released you from an engagement you didn’t desire, and Margaret, the sweetest woman in the world, cares so much for your feelings–what she supposes them to be–that she has done her best to hold me to you just because she thinks _you_ would mind. Of course, too, on my own account a little–because she thinks it would be well for me to marry you, that it would be safe.
Well, you know you _are_ safe, Evert.” And the rippling laugh broke forth again, meeting this time decided anger in Winthrop’s gray eyes as he raised them to meet hers.
“There, you needn’t crush me,” Garda resumed. “And you needn’t mind me, either me, or my laughing. For, of course, I know that if I could have cared for you, that is, gone on caring, and if in the end you could have cared for me, it would have been better for me than anything that could possibly happen; you ought not to be angry with a girl who tells you that?” And taking his arm, she looked up in his face very sweetly. “But the trouble was that you didn’t care for me, you don’t now. Yet you kept to your engagement, you took me and made the best of me; and I think that was very good. Well, it’s over now.” She had kept his arm, and now she began to stroll down the aisle towards the rose-garden. “There’s something else I want to speak to you about, now that we’ve got through with our own affairs; and that’s Margaret. Why have you such a wrong idea of her?–she is so n.o.ble as well as so sweet. She promised my mother to be like a sister to me; but, Heaven knows, few real sisters would have been as patient as she has been. I have never seen any one that could approach her. I didn’t know a woman could be like that–so unchangeable and true. For we are not true to each other–women, I mean; that is, not when we care for somebody. Then we pretend, we pretend awfully; we tell things, or keep them back, or tell only half, just as we choose; and we always think that we have a perfect right to do it.
But Margaret’s different, Margaret’s _wonderful_. Yet none of you, her nearest relatives, do her the least justice; it is left to _me_ to appreciate her. Leaving Mrs. Rutherford out, this is more stupidity than I can account for in _you_.”
“Men are all stupid, of course,” Winthrop answered.
“What makes all she has done for me the more remarkable,” Garda went on, not heeding his tone, “is the fact that she doesn’t really like me, she cannot, I am so different. Yet she goes on being good to me just the same.”
Winthrop made an impatient movement. “Suppose we don’t talk any more about Mrs. Harold,” he said.
“I must talk about her, when I love her and trust her more than anything.”
“Don’t trust her too much.”
She drew her arm from his, indignantly. “One night she came way down the live-oak avenue after me, with only slippers on her poor little feet, to keep me from going out in the fog with Lucian–sailing, I mean. What do you think of that?”
“I don’t think anything.”
“Yes, you do; your face shows that you do.”
“My face shows, perhaps, what I think of the extraordinary duplicity of women,” said Winthrop.
“Duplicity? Do you call it duplicity for me to be telling you every single thing I think and feel, as I have done to-day?”
“I was speaking of Mrs. Harold.”
“Duplicity and Margaret!” exclaimed Garda.
They had reached the end of the orange aisle, and she no longer had his arm. “I can’t discuss her with you, Garda,” he said. And he went out into the sunshine beyond.
But Garda followed him. She came round, placed her hands on his shoulders, and pushed him with soft violence back into the shade. “Why do you speak so of her? you _shall_ tell me. Why shouldn’t I trust her?
But I do and I will in spite of you!”