The Third Pig Detective Agency is a Webnovel created by Bob Burke.
This lightnovel is currently completed.
‘How long do you think we should give him?’ said the first voice again.
‘I dunno,’ replied the second. ‘But I know I’m getting bored just waiting here. The fun is going out of it.’
‘Let’s not wait any more,’ said the first voice again. ‘Let’s just do it now.’
‘OK. On a count of three: one…two…three.’
Before I had a chance to make any kind of sense of the conversation, the door swung open and two pairs of hands reached out and grabbed me. Hauling me into the room, they threw me unceremoniously to the floor where I lay panting, aching, smelling and trying to get my bearings.
‘Well, paint my backside green and call me a goblin,’ said a loud and very familiar voice from right in front of me. ‘If it isn’t Harry Pigg, c.r.a.p detective and failed burglar. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone take so long to pick a lock. What kept you?’
My eyes ran slowly up past two legs so fat they were doing GBH to a pair of green stretch trousers. They traversed a torso that suggested its owner enjoyed several square meals a day (quite possibly a few circular, triangular and oval ones as well) and up to a face that defined new levels of ugliness, even for a witch. Imagine Jabba the Hutt with bright red lipstick and a long off-blonde straggly wig and you may get some idea of just how repulsive Ednafor it was sheactually was.
She grinned at me, which was a particularly unpleasant experience as it showed off a mouth with teeth that varied in shades of yellow and green, and that gave off a breath so unpleasant that I almost smelled good in comparison.
‘There I was, wondering exactly what was so special about that lamp I took from Benny when suddenly you appear, stinking to high heaven and apparently eager to take it back.’ She looked me straight in the eyeor at least as straight as someone whose eyeb.a.l.l.s rotated in two different directions couldand leaned forward so our faces were almost touching. ‘Looks like you’re the man who can answer this most intriguing of questions. What a timely arrival, eh?’
She was about to slap me enthusiastically on the shoulder but quickly reconsidered when she saw what I was coated in.
She turned to the two henchOrcs who had dragged me into the room. They were small but very mean-looking.
‘Tie him to a chair and hose him down,’ she ordered. ‘I’m not asking him questions until he smells better than he does now.’
She walked towards the door and, as she opened it, she appeared to have an afterthought.
‘Oh and I’m going for a bath, boys,’ she said with a malicious gleam in the eye that was currently looking at me. ‘So no need to use up all the hot water on him, is there?’ And with a long, loud and unpleasantly mocking laugh, she left the room.
10.
Anyone for Pizza?.
As you can imagine, it doesn’t take too long for two very burly henchOrcs to tie a relatively defenceless pig securely to a chaireven a pig that they had to keep at arm’s length owing to the smell. And there was going to be none of that slowly working the trotters free while being interrogated either. These guys were pros in the tying-up game. My trotters had been tied to each other, then to my body and then to the chair. I felt my extremities begin to go numb as the ropes constricted the flow of blood. The only way I was going to free myself was by diligent use of a chainsaw and there didn’t appear to be one conveniently to hand. I had been trussed up more securely than Hannibal Lecter; all I was missing was the hockey mask.
While the goons located a long hose and began running it out of the room and down to the nearest bathroom, I took the opportunity to have a closer look at my surroundings. As I expected, bearing in mind what had just happened to me, the lamp was nowhere to be seen. The room itself was relatively bare. All it contained were a few chairs, a long table and what looked like a drinks cabinet. Considering where Aladdin had kept the lamp, this room was a bit of a surprise. I had expected more hi-tech surveillance and security systems.
A large oval mirror hung from the wall directly opposite me (presumably deliberately, so I could see just how bad I looked). Without going into too much detail, my skin was no longer a fetching shade of pink and the new coloration wasn’t entirely due to bruising. What was left of my Orc costume was sodden and covered in a variety of strange substances that didn’t warrant a more detailed forensic examination.
It looked as though whoever had supplied the plans to Mr Big had led him up the garden path (and into the garden shed whereupon they had hit him across the back of the head with a shovel), as there certainly wasn’t any sign of a lamp here.
Even I couldn’t figure out how to rescue myself from this particular predicament. Apart from the unpleasant experience of being hosed down with cold water, I also had the pleasure of Edna’s interrogation to look forward toand I was a.s.suming this was going to be a little bit more intense than just having a bright light shone in my eyes while she shouted ‘you will answer the questions’ at me.
I was still looking around the room when the Orcs came back in. From the expression on their faces, it appeared as though they were relishing the thought of hosing me down. Can’t say I blamed them; I was looking forward to a shower myselfalbeit a somewhat hotter one than the one I was about to receive.
Grinning at each other, the two henchOrcs lifted the hose, aimed it at me and began to twist the nozzle. I turned away to shield my face and braced myself for the freezing deluge. There was silence, then two loud clangs in quick succession and the sound of the nozzle hitting the ground. After another brief pause this was followed by two more thudsthis time slightly further apart and much heavier. More importantly, I didn’t seem to be getting wet.
I looked around very slowly and not without some trepidation as I had no idea what had just happened. To my utter amazement, both Orcs were lying unconscious on the ground. Standing over them, wielding a large metal legpresumably borrowed from one of the suits of armour outsidewas a very satisfied-looking Jack Horner.
‘Jack,’ I asked, somewhat stunned at this unexpected turn of events, ‘what are you doing here?’
‘Hey Mr Pigg,’ he said cheerfully, ‘I’m rescuing you. I told you you’d need my help.’
‘But how did you find me?’ I asked weakly.
‘C’mon Mr Pigg,’ he replied. ‘You smell very strongly of shi…I mean poo. How difficult do you think it was to find you? I just had to follow my nose. Anyway, you left a trail of muddy footprints all over the building. It was easy.’
‘And you got in how exactly?’
‘Almost as easy. After I followed you here, I just bought a pizza from the takeaway around the corner, stuck a red hat on my head, called to the front door and said I was delivering a super pepperoni to Grazgkh. There’s always a Grazgkh around, it’s the Orc version of Joe.’
And I was supposed to be the detective!
‘Then I just made my way up through the building, following your trail,’ he continued, obviously enjoying himself. ‘These Orcs aren’t too observant, are they? Not one noticed me all the way up. Then I crept up behind those two guys and hit them over the head with this leg.’ He swung it around with some relish. ‘They were so busy with the hose they never heard me.’
‘Good work, Jack,’ I said. ‘Now, can you untie me and we can get the h.e.l.l out of here before someone discovers I’ve escaped.’
‘Righty-o,’ he replied and went behind me to untangle the spaghetti of knots that bound me to the chair.
After a few minutes I still hadn’t noticed any relieving flow of blood coursing back into my numb trotters.
‘How are things going back there, Jack?’ I asked.
‘Not too good, Mr Pigg,’ Jack replied. ‘I can’t seem to get these knots undone.’
‘Well, try to find something that you can use to cut the ropes,’ I said, scanning the room for anything that might have a sharp edge. ‘But hurry. I’m sure Edna will be back soon, suitably refreshed, smelling very nice and eager to inflict pain.’
Jack began searching the room frantically, shifting bits of furniture aside as he looked for anything that might be used to set me free. As he searched I struggled to loosen the knots but my efforts were as fruitless as his. I could see that he was beginning to panic so I tried to calm him down.
‘Take it easy, Jack. You need to calm down and focus. There must be something here we can use.’
‘But I can’t see anything, Mr Pigg.’
As I looked around the room yet again, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Inspiration struck meand it was probably the only thing that had struck me recently that hadn’t hurt me in some form or another.
‘Jack,’ I said urgently. ‘Take that thing you hit the goblins with and throw it at the mirror. Cover your eyes as you do.’
After a moment’s incomprehension, Jack suddenly understood and, grabbing the metal leg, he flung it at his reflection. There was a loud crash and shards of gla.s.s flew in all directions. When the noise died down, Jack slowly brought his arm away from his eyes and scanned the floor for a suitable piece of gla.s.s. He picked up a shard so big and sharp it looked like it could have beheaded an elephant and, with great care, began sawing at the ropes. As they began to fall to the ground, I could hear what sounded like a small army pounding across the floor overhead. Someone (or lots of someones) was coming to investigate the noise and I really didn’t fancy being here when they arrived.
‘Come on, Jack,’ I muttered. ‘Speed it up, speed it up.’
‘I’m going as fast as I can,’ he replied, panting from the effort. ‘I don’t want to cut my hands.’
‘Cut hands will be the least of your worries if we don’t get out of here soon.’ As I spoke, the ropes binding my trotters fell to the floor. Despite the pain as the blood rushed back in, I grabbed the gla.s.s off Jack and attacked the other ropes binding me. The sharp edge cut cleanly through them and I stood upa little bit unsteady but ready to accelerate out of the room as fast as I could.
‘Good work, Jack. Now let’s not be here.’ I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the door. As we were halfway across the room he stopped unexpectedly, almost pulling me off balance. I turned to him. He was looking at the broken or in fascination.
‘Jack, what are you doing? We don’t have time for admiring our reflections.’ I was on the point of lifting him onto my shoulders and carrying him out when I saw what he was looking at. What he had broken wasn’t a mirror; it was a door cleverly disguised as a mirror. With the gla.s.s surface now all over the floor we could see into the room beyond and sitting on a shelf (along with what I suspected was a lot of very expensive and probably very stolen artifacts) was what looked like Aladdin’s lamp. It certainly looked battered enough.
‘Nice one, Jack, I take it back. Get to the door and tell me when the ravening hordes charge down the corridor. If I’m quick enough we may be able to grab the lamp before they get here.’
Jack peered cautiously around the door.
‘Nothing out there yet,’ he reported, ‘but there’s definitely someone coming. I can hear lots of grunting, stomping and shouting. Hurry up.’
Very cautiously, so as not to cut myself on the jagged edges that were still embedded in the rim, I sidled through the doorway and into the storeroom beyond. Not even pausing to look at what other goodies might be on the shelves, I grabbed the lamp, stuffed it into my wetsuit and reversed just as carefully back out again. Once I was safely back out of the storeroom, I ran out the door, dragging Jack by the scruff of the neck as I went. Together we ran back down the corridor towards the stairs. As we did so, a horde of Orcs brandishing an interesting array of sharp and pointy objects came around the corner at the opposite end. Immediately spotting us (not that it was too difficult) they roared angrily and gave chase.
Fortunately for us, there were so many of them and the corridor was so narrow that they fell over each other in their eagerness to catch us. This slowed them down enough that we were able to get to the stairs. The two Orcs that manned the guard post on the landing tried to block our way but my impetus, speed and bulk bowled them easily aside and they tumbled down the stairs in front of us.
Tucking Jack under one arm, I threw a leg over the banister and slid down, trying to maintain what was a very precarious balance. For once, Jack didn’t treat it as a theme park ride; presumably he was as scared as I was. The banister itself spiralled down in wide arcs all the way to the ground floor so I had no hairpin bends to navigate, which was probably just as well because with the rate we were accelerating, any sudden departure from the stairs would probably have resulted in us splattering against the wall at the far side of the room. Spotting a number of Orcs running up the stairs towards us I yelled at Jack to hold out his metal leg (which he’d shown the good foresight to hold on to) and he cut a swathe through them as we pa.s.sed, their bodies cascading down the stairs like ugly skittles.
We reached the ground floor and flew off the end of the banister. Fortunately, the thick carpet broke our fall and we avoided a collision with any of the furniture. Dizzy but otherwise unhurt, we staggered to our feet and ran through the door to the bas.e.m.e.nt. Grabbing the leg from Jack, I placed one end on the ground and wedged the other under the door handle. It wasn’t going to hold our pursuers at bay for long but might give us enough of a lead to enable us to get to the drain safely.
As we charged recklessly down another flight of stairs there was a very satisfactory thump as the first of our pursuers. .h.i.t the door, followed by more thumps and much shouting as the rest of the pack hit it (and the leading Orcs) with equal force.
‘Quickly, Jack, let’s go,’ I urged. ‘It won’t hold them up for long.’
Jack nodded and picked up speed. Now he was beginning to leave me behind. Willing my body to one last effort, I caught up with him and we ran for the manhole. As we reached it, there was a loud splintering from behind us as the door finally gave way. We only had minutes before the Orcs reached us. Grabbing Jack, I threw him into the tunnel and dropped down behind him.
‘Go, go, go,’ I roared.
Jack disappeared down the tunnel and I followed as fast as I could. Thankfully, someonemost probably Ednahad taken a bath since my last pa.s.sage through the drain, as it wasn’t quite as unpleasant as previously, making our progress relatively more comfortable than before. In front of me, Jack was sliding away down the tunnel and I tried pigfully to keep up with him. Behind me I could hear voices raised in argument as the Orcs decided whether or not to follow us.
‘You go first,’ said one.
‘Me? I’m not going in there,’ said another in reply.
‘Ma’am will be very angry.’
‘Well you go, then.’
‘I’ll go if you go first.’
As is usual with Orcs in these situations, they then started squabbling and this soon erupted into a fully blown brawl. Orcs are good like thatlow attention spans but high animosity. By the time we reached the main sewer, they’d probably have either all killed each other or forgotten all about who they were chasing in the first place. We made our way through the water back to the ladder and climbed up to the street.
As we headed back to the car, it struck me that Edna would be somewhat miffed that I had stolen back the lamp. She would be probably even more annoyed that she hadn’t had the chance to slap me around a bit. I figured it wouldn’t take her too long to track me downespecially as both my apartment and office were in the phone book.
I was going to have to come up with a plan to resolve this dilemma and this had to be the plan to beat all plans. In fact, this one had to be a doozy or I was quite possibly going to end up revisiting the sewersthis time face down and probably not breathing.
11.
I Have a Cunning Plan!.
With Jack safely dropped off home, I decided to lie low to try to avoid detection by all the various factions that were by now, presumably, scouring the town for meand that didn’t come any lower than the Humpty Inn chain of hotels. It was the cheapest and least reputable hotel chain in town. If they were any seedier you could have used them to feed birds. Fortunately, their very seediness meant that they were the perfect place to hide out as no one noticed, or even cared about, who was in the rooms.
Comfort wasn’t high on the list of facilities offered by the hotel. The bed felt like it was made of rocks, there was a strange fungus growing on one of the walls and, yes, the room was lit up by the garish purple light from the neon sign that ran vertically along the front of the building and flashed on and off at regular intervals. The curtains didn’t do much to block this light out as they looked to be made out of tissue paper.
The room had one very important feature, howevera working bathroom. Despite the imminent threat to my person, the first order of business was a long, hot, luxurious shower. I have to say I wallowed. If someone had broken in and pointed a gun at me, I’d have told them to get on with it and died a happy pig. Of such little pleasures is life made.
After my shower, and smelling a lot better, I sat at the wobbly dresser and studied the lamp carefully. It was as battered as its photograph suggested. The amount of dents in the metal suggested it had had a long and interesting historyquite a bit of which seemed to involve it being used as a football. It was so tarnished it was hard to make out what its original colour was. Try as I might, I couldn’t open the lid. Although it didn’t look to be sealed shut in any way, it just would not lift. I tried using a knife but it wouldn’t budge. It was one stubborn lid.
There were no markings of any type on the surface, or at least none that I could see. I did contemplate dropping it in a fire to see if the flames revealed any mysterious writings but I didn’t actually have a fireplace and I figured that a match wouldn’t be quite as effective. In all probability, the room was so flammable even lighting a match would have caused it to catch fire.
I put the lamp on the dresser and stared at it. Then I stared at it some more and, just as I was about to give up, I stared at it especially hard. It didn’t make any difference; it still sat there mocking me with its dullness and downright shabbiness.
Then I had a really outrageous idea: what if I rubbed it? What was there to lose? There was certainly a lot to gain, a.s.suming the rumours were true. If all went according to legend then I was on the point of leaving all my troubles behind. Wealth beyond my wildest dreams was within my grasp. No more worries; no more Aladdin, mysterious stranger or Edna. And that could be a real result rather than just a turn of phrase.
The more I thought about it, the more it appealed to me. What could possibly go wrong? I figured that the more I thought about it the more likely I was to talk myself out of it. Best be decisive and take immediate action.
I grabbed the lamp with my left trotter. It wasn’t easy but I managed it. Holding it level with my eyes I contemplated it one last time; it was still as dingy and battered as before. I slowly raised my right arm and, taking a deep breath, I brought the lamp towards my trotter and when they touched, I rubbed the surface furiously.
There was a…well…nothing actually. No sudden clap of thunder. No flash of light. No puff of smoke. No intimidating eastern gentleman with a trail of vapour where his lower legs should be. No deep and terrifying voice shouting ‘I am the Genie of the Lamp. What are your wishes, my Lord?’
Nothing!
The lamp still sat there silently mocking both my efforts and me. Either that or it wasn’t as highly positioned on the alchemical plane as had previously been speculated. With a grunt, I flung it back on the dresser and headed for the bed. As I prepared for what looked like a very uncomfortable night’s sleep, I took one last look back. Something about the shape of the lamp tried to trigger a thought at the back of my mind. My mind, however, was refusing to play ball and the door marked ‘Free a.s.sociation’ stayed resolutely shut. In the off chance that my subconscious would do what my waking mind couldn’t, I stumbled into the bed, pulled the flimsy blankets over me and was asleep in seconds.
I was also awake within seconds as the synapses in my brainthat had steadfastly refused to work earlierset off a chain reaction that jolted me back to full consciousness. I sat bolt upright in the bed with a large grin on my face.
‘You are so clever,’ I shouted gleefully. ‘No wonder you wanted to steal the lamp. If it was me, I’d probably have done the same. Any wonder it didn’t work when I rubbed it.’
The beginnings of a really dastardly plan began to form in my mind as I tried to figure out where the nearest Internet cafe was. As I dressed, I thought I heard a noise from the corridor outside my room. I padded carefully to the door and put my ear against the wood. Fortunately, the quality of the workmanship was as poor as everything else in the hotel. The door was so thin I could hear clearly what was happening on the other side. As per usual, it didn’t bode well for me.
‘Is this the room?’ whispered a voicevery low and very guttural; very Orcish, in fact.
‘Yeah, he only checked in an hour ago,’ replied a second voice I recognised as the concierge from downstairs. So much for anonymity. Obviously Edna’s grapevine was very efficient. Once he’d heard she was looking for a pig, it didn’t take the concierge too long to make both the obvious connection and the inevitable phone call and no doubt pocket the reward.
As I was only seconds from having a horde of Orcs explode into my room I had to think very fast. I grabbed the dresser and pulled it in front of the door. It wouldn’t be a barricademore a minor hindrancebut it might give me a few seconds’ head start. Grabbing the lamp, I ran to the window, forced it open and prepared to drop onto the fire escape that I realised at the last minute wasn’t there. Well, I did say it was a seedy hotel and safety regulations obviously weren’t high on management’s list of priorities. As I quickly tried to formulate a Plan B, there was a splintering noise from the opposite side of the room and the door was reduced to matchwood under the onslaught of a variety of crude swords and axes although, in fairness, you could probably have broken it down with a rubber knife without too much effort.
The horde swarmed into the roomor at least would have if they hadn’t, yet again, fallen over each other in their eagerness to get me. It appeared that Madame Edna had placed a very high bounty on my head.
‘There he is,’ growled one, stating the very obvious as they could hardly have missed me sitting on the window ledge. ‘Get him.’
There was only one thing for it. Taking a deep breath, I swung my legs over the ledge and threw myself at the neon sign. My luck was in and I managed to grab the crossbar of the letter ‘T’ in Humpty. My luck wasn’t in for long, however, as, with a screech of metal, the whole letter detached from the wall and slowly fell outwards and downwards. Like a demented stuntman, with my skin glowing purple, I clung on for dear life wondering if the rest of the letters would stay fixed to the wall. My question was quickly answered as, to my total lack of surprise, the other letters advertising the hotel slowly peeled away from the hotel wall and down towards the ground in a gigantic neon arc.