The Third Pig Detective Agency is a Webnovel created by Bob Burke.
This lightnovel is currently completed.
‘Of course,’ he continued, ‘that won’t stop you from being harmed by anyone else.’
The smile disappeared as fast as it had arrived. Typical, I thoughtthere’s always a downside. Mind you, at least I was safe from the two people currently most likely to do me harmboth of whom, along with their respective entourages, were backing away quietly from me so as not to incur any further pain or humiliation.
I couldn’t resist it; I ran quickly towards them. It was one of the finest moments of my life. Imagine, if you will, one very fat oriental gentleman, a goat, two large gorillas in tuxedos, a disorganised swarm of Orcs, and Edna (who had trouble walking let alone moving any faster) all desperately clambering backwards over each other in a frantic effort to get as far away from me as they could. The resulting scrum made me laugh out loud for the first time in quite awhile.
I think it was at that point I realised that the case was more or less over. All I needed to do was tie up a few loose ends and explain to Jack what had happened.
13.
Exposition, Basili.
‘But how did you know it was the genie?’ Jack asked.
The three of usJack, the genie and Iwere in my office, sitting around my desk drinking coffee. Much as I’d like to take all the credit for solving the casebeing a famous detective and allif Jack hadn’t turned up at Edna’s wielding the leg from a suit of armour, chances are I’d have ended up a permanent face-down resident in the sewers I’d come to love so much. The least he deserved was an explanation.
The genie, on the other hand, was just hanging around. Now that he was homeless, seeing as he couldn’t fit into his lamp any more, he had latched on to meand it was placing me in a very difficult position.
In my job, I needed to be discreet, and discretion was going to be very difficult when you were being shadowed by a large dark-skinned ex-genie whose idea of sartorial elegance was a bright yellow turban, a yellow and red patterned waistcoat that seemed twenty sizes too small and a pair of baggy yellow silk trousers that ended just above the ankles and looked like someone had inflated a large hot-air balloon in each leg. On his feet a pair of yellow slippers that curled up at the front just added the final lurid touch.
Oh, and he farted a lotan awful lot.
But I digress. Elbows on my desk, I rested my head on my trotters, made sure I had everyone’s attention and began.
‘It was the lamp. I’d stared at it for most of the night trying to figure out why it seemed so familiar. Then, just as I was on the point of giving up, I went to bed and it struck me.’
‘The bed struck you?’ said Jack. ‘How?’
‘No, not the bed,’ I replied wearily. ‘An idea. I suddenly realised where I’d seen it before and why it had taken so long to work it out. I’d seen it from the inside.’
‘Huh?’ The look on Jack’s face said it all.
‘It was when I was in that white room. The curved walls were the same shape as the body of the lamp. I’d been pulled into it by our friend Basili here,’ I said, nodding at the genie. ‘Of course, I didn’t know it at the time; I just thought I’d been taken prisoner by an insane interior decorator.
‘Once I figured that the genie was looking for his own lamp, it all began to fall into place.’
I could see the confusion on Jack’s face and held up a warning trotter before he could ask another ‘why’ or ‘how’ question.
‘When I rubbed the lamp, nothing happened,’ I continued. ‘My first reaction was that it was all a hoax and the lamp was exactly that: a lamp; with no magic, no three wishes and no genie. No offence.’ I looked across the table at the genie.
‘None taken,’ he replied calmly.
‘Then I figured that if the last owner hadn’t used up all his wishes yet, then rubbing the lamp would probably have no effect. However, once the three wishes had been granted then the lamp was up for grabs again, making it a very valuable antique indeed.’
The genie nodded his agreement.
‘This would explain why Aladdin had kept the lamp so securely under lock and key. As long as he had it, he still had a last wish, but it was useless to anyone else unless they could get him to use up that last wish.
‘Now, if you were the genie that provided this somewhat unique service, I imagine that it would get quite tedious, if not downright frustrating, being stuck in a lamp with no way of getting out, just sitting there waiting for that last rub to happen.’
I turned to Basili. ‘How long were you waiting after Aladdin’s second wish?’
The genie heaved a deep sigh. ‘Forty years.’
‘Wow!’ exclaimed Jack. ‘You were stuck in there for forty years? What did you do to pa.s.s the time?’
‘Initially, I read, watched TV and ate a lot,’ said Basili. From his size, it didn’t need a detective to work that out. ‘Then with the arrival of the computer age and the information superhighway, I learned everything about PCs and used them to interface with the outside world, looking for an opportunity to set myself free.’
‘Which is how he met Benny,’ I said.
‘Poor Benny,’ said Basili with a sympathetic shake of the head and a loud fart. ‘I’m sorry about that but he was my only option.’
‘Don’t worry, he’s probably already forgotten about it. Gnomes have a very short attention span.’ I looked at the genie. ‘What I want to know is how you managed to find out so much about security systems?’
Basili’s grin was so wide his head looked like it was split in two. In fact, I don’t believe he’d actually stopped smiling since he’d been freed. ‘Hacking.’
‘Hacking?’ I repeated stupidly.
‘Yes, hacking. With twenty years of computer experience, I was at the cutting edge of cyber crime from the word go. There isn’t a system out there I can’t crack. Aladdin’s just needed a bit of time. Once I had access, it was easy to figure out where the weaknesses were. I just wish I’d picked someone brighter to actually steal the lamp.’ There was another loud rumble from his side of the desk, which I hoped was his stomach telling him it was hungry. A few moments later that hope was cruelly dashed and I walked over to the window to let some fresher air in. Basili gave me another apologetic look.
I figured it was about time I took back control of the conversation and make myself the centre of attention once more. I walked back to the desk and looked at the other two.
‘Once I figured that the genie was the one who was calling the shots, or at least one of the three calling the shots, I thought that if I could strike a deal with him I might get the other two off my backa.s.suming he was willing to play ball.’
‘And I was,’ grinned Basili. Paarp! Phut-phut-phut-phut! ‘All I wanted was someone to help me gain my freedom and Mr Harry here was most anxious to help me, as well as himself.’
I nodded furiously. ‘Using the same email address Benny had used, I told him that I knew who he was and proved it by cryptically suggesting that the person who controlled the third wish effectively controlled the genie. If the message was understood then all he had to do was follow my lead at Wilde Park when I was hopefully going to make him appear.’ I smiled at the memory of the look on Aladdin’s face when he realised he’d been duped. ‘Fortunately for us all, everything went more or less according to plan. Basili was set free and I got Aladdin and Edna off my back. Unfortunately, as I was no longer flavour of the month with Aladdin, he declined to pay me for my services.’
As usual things hadn’t panned out yet again for the proprietor of the Third Pig Detective Agency. Then again, I was getting used to it. This time, however, I had also picked up a straya very large, yellow stray that, partly thanks to me, no longer had a home.
To my surprise (and embarra.s.sment) Basili stood up, walked around the desk to me and gave me a big hug. It was the kind of hug that large bears used to crush their prey but he managed to break off before any major organs were ruptured. Struggling for breath, I dropped back into my chair.
‘It is not so big a problem, Mr Harry.’ His smile was even broader. I suspected that both ends met at the back of his head. ‘While I waited in my lamp for all those years, I also used my computer to play the market. I have been very successful and have built up a most valuable and highly diverse portfolio. Perhaps I can recompense you somewhat for your efforts in this matter.’
If this had been a cartoon, my jaw would have bounced off the ground in surprise. I struggled to get words out. ‘You mean, you’re rich?’ I gasped.
‘But of course,’ Basili replied. ‘How else would I have been able to help Benny with his most audacious plans for the theme park? I insist that you be paid for the most successful resolution of this case.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Hey, maybe I can become your backerlike Charlie in Charlie’s Angels.’
I was about to point out that I looked nothing like any of Charlie’s Angels when I became aware of a commotion from reception. Two voices were raised in argument. One was clearly Gloria’s but the other was unfamiliar and very loud, very female and very commanding. For one awful minute I thought Edna or one of her sisters had come to ‘pay me a visit’, but the voice sounded a little more cultured than those of the Wicked Witch sisters so I relaxed a littlebut not too much.
‘But you don’t have an appointment,’ I could hear Gloria say.
‘Nevertheless, I must see him,’ said the other voice, in a tone that suggested she wasn’t used to being obstructed. She didn’t realise that she was being obstructed by the best. If she managed to get past Gloria, she deserved an appointment.
‘No appointment, no meeting,’ said Gloria emphatically. ‘Mr Pigg is a very busy detective and can’t afford to have his time wasted. If you care to make an appointment, I can organise a suitable time.’
‘No way, lady,’ came the reply. ‘I know he’s in that office and I am going in to see him now. Please do not get in my way.’
Now I was starting to get scared. What kind of monster was in my reception area and why did she want to see me? More to the point, did I really want to see her?
I could see that Jack and Basili were giving me anxious looks as well. We all started to back away from the door slowly and quietly. In hindsight there wasn’t really any point. The only thing behind us was the window; we were on the third floor and there was no fire escape.
Note to self: speak to new landlord about fire safety regulations.
Through the frosted gla.s.s I could see a large red shape move towards the door.
‘Do not go in there,’ shouted Gloria.
‘Try and stop me, lady.’ There was a sound of scuffling and then the door burst open, banging off the wall with a loud crash.
A very large lady dressed in black boots, bright red trousers and a hooded red jacket stood there. Gloria was clinging on to one of her legs. She had clearly been dragged across the room in her efforts to keep this person out.
‘Sorry, Harry,’ she gasped. ‘She got by me when I wasn’t looking.’
‘It’s OK, Gloria,’ I said and walked over to her to help her up. ‘Let’s see what this lady wants that’s so urgent.’
I looked at the new arrival. Her face was as red as the clothing she was wearingpresumably from her altercation with Gloria. White fur lined the cuffs of her jacket and rimmed her hood. For some reason her appearance suggested Christmas.
I indicated one of the seats recently vacated by my colleagues.
‘Ma’am,’ I said, turning on the charm, ‘if you’d care to sit down.’
As she sat I turned to the others. ‘If I could perhaps speak to this fine lady alone,’ I suggested. Gloria nodded and, grabbing the other two by the arm, dragged them both out of the office before they could protest.
I nodded towards the door as they left. ‘My partners. They may not look like much but they’ve got it where it counts.’
As I spoke, I realised that they had indeed become partners, either by virtue of the help one had given or the financial backing the other was offering. Looked like the Third Pig Detective Agency was expanding.
I turned to my newest prospective client.
‘Now then,’ I said. ‘How may the Third Pig Detective Agency be of help, Miss, Mrs, Ms…?’
‘Claus. It’s Mrs Claus and I need you to find my husband. He’s been kidnapped and it’s only two days to 25th December. If he’s not found soon we may have to cancel Christmas.’
The End.
The Third Pig Detective Agency will return.
in The Ho Ho Ho Mystery.
Acknowledgements.
This book’s formative years were spent on the web so huge thanks go to all at Writelink for the initial encouragement and those at YouWriteOnespecially Edward Smith and Michael Legatwhose critiques (good, bad and otherwisebut always constructive) helped shape the opening chapters into something approaching legibility.
I owe a lot to the good people at the Friday Project: especially Scott, whose unflagging belief in Harry’s adventures and championing of the cause kept the book alive when things didn’t look so good.
Thanks to Dooradoyle and Adare Libraries for providing a quiet corner to write in and to Carol Anderson for a wonderful copy-edit.
I also owe a debt of grat.i.tude to my parents who instilled a love of reading in me at a very young age. This is all your fault!
Above all, huge thanks go to my wife Gemma and my three boys, Ian, Adam and Stephen, whose support, belief, encouragement and the occasional ‘get back in there and write another chapter now’ made all this worthwhile.
No, Ian, we won’t be getting a Gulfstream jet with the proceeds. Yes, Adam, the book will be in the shops. No, Stephen, you can’t have your teayou only had your dinner an hour ago.
Harry would like to thank the Big Bad Wolf, for giving him that first big break; Little Red Riding Hood, for not appearing in this book and making a show of herself; Jack Horner, for the pizza (you know what I’m talking about!) and his legions of fanshe knows you’re out there somewhere, you just haven’t made yourself known to him yet.
end.